This is part 7 of a 10 part parenting series, you can read the previous post Top 10 things you can do for yourself to be a better parent. #6 Have Passion! by clicking here.

#7 Heal The Past.

I have to say, this is the biggest and most difficult thing preventing me from being as close as I can with my son. Sometimes I feel shrouded and taken over by the past. And in those moments, I’m not in the present, and I’m definitely not the best parent I can be.
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Last year, I had the pleasure of interviewing Dr. Peter Haiman.  Aside from being and authentic and good hearted individual, he is also a wealth of parenting knowledge.  You can visit his website at PeterHaiman.com for more info.

I will be posting the audio interview here soon.

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This is part 6 of a 10 part parenting series, you can read the previous post : Top 10 things you can do for yourself to be a better parent #5 Spend Time Alone, by clicking here.

Everyone deserves to have a passion for something!  Whether its a hobby or career, there needs to be some degree of passion in your life.  Many, many people go through life with zero passion, and it shows.  But you don’t have to be one of those people.  The art of finding ones passion isn’t always easy, and its a numbers game.  So try a few different things and you’ll know when you hit on something you love.  When you do find something you love keep doing it!!!

Having a passion will automatically transfer to your home and family life.  It will seep into every cranny and nook, making things more magical and beautiful than ever before!

I know as a mom its often difficult to find the time to do the things you love.  But this one is a MUST if you want to live a fulfilled life.  And parents beware: don’t feel guilty if your family isn’t your sole passion.  They don’t have to be, moms and dads can have many, many passions.

What’s yours?

If you need help finding your passion, I would recommend reading The Passion Test or visiting Inspiration Point, finding your passion and doing any of the programs available.

Good luck!

Ashley

This is part 5 of a 10 part parenting series, you can read the previous post : Top 10 things you can do for yourself to be a better parent. #4 Talk to a friend

At least once a week you need to have time to spend a few uninterrupted  hours by yourself.  To read, take a bath, whatever.  As a parent, you need AND deserve this time.  So ask your partner, family member or hire a babysitter.  To locate a babysitter in your area online try one of these: Kijiji, Craigslilst, Care babysitting finder.  Or just Google “babysitting and nanny service.”

After spending a few hours by yourself you’ll feel refreshed and restored; better able to be a GREAT parent.  Don’t take my word for it, try it for yourself.

I was at the park today with my son where I met a full time single dad at home with his 4 year old daughter.
Last week I met a babysitter that takes her 5 year old neighbor to the park because her mom can’t take care of her.

It’s stories like these that allow me to appreciate how good and wonderful my life is, and how lucky I am.  My son gets round the clock care, lots of full attention and love every day. He gets hours of play time and joy.

I always reflect on this and wonder what my life would be like, and who I would be now if that were the case for me.  My son will grow up in a totally different world from what I grew up in.  And I thank god and the universe every day for the blessing of the wonderful, powerful and amazing parenting tools that are available to me.
The road to providing a different life, and being different than my parents is not an easy one.  Every moment, every day, I’m faced with choices.  Do I scream at my son when I lose patience?  or do I deal with my own stuff and allow him to live a happy and free life like he deserves?  Though the latter is more difficult and its much easier to spew my emotions onto him than deal with them.  I take every day “one choice at a time”.  Acknowledging the good and taking responsibility for the mistakes by making things right.

Ashley

This is part 4 of a 10 part parenting series, you can read the previous post : Top 10 things you can do for yourself to be a better parent. #4 Talk to a friend, here.

Parent Series: Top 10 things you can do for yourself to be a better parent. #4 Talk to a friend….

Its critical to have someone to talk to about your feelings and parental stresses.

Research shows that parents that release emotion regularly have significantly less stress than parents that don’t.  A way that you can do this is by trading “listening time” with a trusted friend.  Otherwise known as “co-councelling,”

This is a free and effective way to offload intense feelings that arise from being a parent.  You can find out more about this on the re-evaluation councelling website.

Re-evaluation Counseling (co-councelling) is a process whereby people of all ages and of all backgrounds can learn how to exchange effective help with each other in order to free themselves from the effects of past distress experiences.

Re-evaluation Counseling theory provides a model of what a human being can be like in the area of his/her interaction with other human beings and his/her environment. The theory assumes that everyone is born with tremendous intellectual potential, natural zest, and lovingness, but that these qualities have become blocked and obscured in adults as the result of accumulated distress experiences (fear, hurt, loss, pain, anger, embarrassment, etc.) which begin early in our lives.

When adequate emotional discharge can take place, the person is freed from the rigid pattern of behavior and feeling left by the hurt. The basic loving, cooperative, intelligent, and zestful nature is then free to operate. Such a person will tend to be more effective in looking out for his or her own interests and the interests of others, and will be more capable of acting successfully against injustice.

The biggest difference in my own parenting comes from having my feelings listened to.  If I had to choose 1 out of the 10 things to be a better parent, this one would be it.

Its important when you trade time with another friend or parent that you just listen to each other, you don’t interject.  There needs to be room for feelings and crying, to discharge the intensity of the heavy demands of parenting.  So find a friend or fellow parent that’s comfortable with crying.  If you have any questions about this process email me or check out the websites above.

Talk to you soon!

Ashley

This is part 3 of a 10 part parenting series, you can read the previous post : Top 10 things you can do for yourself to be a better parent. #2 Get some help, by clicking here.

# 3 in being a better parent: Get some help!

Many parents over look this, myself included.  For years, I had NO life.  Then I realized that I and everyone else was much happier when I had friends and went out and did things.  So, do yourself and your family a favor and go out and get some girlfriends.

Meetup.com is a great place to meet people or parents in your area with similar interests.  Here are some suggestions for things you can do to meet cool parents and friends:

Pottery
Yoga
Salsa and ballroom dancing
Adult Jazz, Ballet or Hip Hop
Women’s groups
Book clubs
Nature clubs
Fitness classes
Knitting and crocheting classes

You could even get a part time job working a few hours a week doing something you enjoy and just for you.  Again, parenting is a tough job that requires rejuvenation.  And if you practice attachment parenting and positive parenting its even more demanding at times.  Your kids and spouse will thank you!!

This is part 2 of a 10 part series, you can read the previous post: Top 10 things you can do for yourself to be a better parent. #1 Get Enough Sleep! Here.

Let’s face it, life’s short.
Yet we don’t always feel that way, we seem to think our time is limitless.  Not to be morbid parents, but 2 out of 3 people get Cancer in their lifetime.
So…….
Stop thinking you have all the time in the world and enjoy your children as much as possible.  To help with this and get more one on one time with your child, hire someone to help out around the house.

They don’t have to do EVERYTHING.  I like to get someone once a week or every two weeks for the deeper cleaning, things I don’t like to do.  That will relieve you of some of the pressures of being SUPER MOM, AND it will give you more relaxed time with your child.

Also, if you have a friend or relative (mom) that dotes on you by coming over and cleaning your house or cooking…Let them.

Everyone likes to give, so learn to be an excellent receiver.

Many parents feel they can’t afford help, when the possibility is there.  If you spend $200/month on clothes or eating out, take half and get a cleaner.  Shop around.  Avoid cleaning companies which have to take a large cut for overhead. It’s well worth it!!! Try: http://www.craigslist.com.

Parenting is a tough job and positive and attachment parenting are even more difficult.  So do yourself, your family and your children a favor and get help wherever possible.

This is part 1 of a 10 part series, you can read the next post: Top 10 things you can do for yourself to be a better parent. #2 by clicking here.

As a parent It’s CRITICAL to get adequate rest or else we can become a:
* Irritable mom, dad, parent.
* Irate mom, dad, parent.
* Crazy mom, dad, parent.
* Snappy mom, dad, parent.
* Over emotional mom, dad, parent.
* Depressed mom, dad, parent.
* Sluggish mom, dad, parent.
* Exhausted mom, dad, parent.

And a host of other disastrous behaviors.  So do yourself AND your family a favor by getting enough sleep.

This is part 2 of a 2 part series from an interview I did with parenting expert Naomi Aldort (see part one here when setting limits is appropriate and when its not, interview Naomi Aldort, Part 1)

You can download the interview transcript for free by clicking here Attachment Parenting Interview With Naomi . You can also download the audio interview here Audio Interview With Naomi.  If you would like information on Naomi’s book you can visit here:  Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves,  You can also visit Naomi’s website at  www.naomialdort.com.

When setting limits is appropriate and when its not….

Like going to relatives, people ask me a lot about that and I say, “Well, tell them before you get to grandma.” At home, I let my kids jump on couches - I don’t see any harm in that. But then grandma doesn’t want them to jump on the couch and she has a fancy couch and living room and doesn’t want them jumping on the furniture. I tell them before we go there, “At grandmas, she doesn’t want you to jump on the couch. I’ll help you remember or grandma will help you remember.”

When you help them remember, it’s not by scolding, it’s by picking them up and saying, “Remember we’re at grandma’s house, but when we get home you can jump on the couch as much as you want.” Or bring the rebounder with you and say, “You know, I brought the rebounder; I know how much you love to jump and grandma won’t let you jump on the couch, so here’s something you can jump on.” Or ask grandma if there’s some furniture that you can bring or that she can have, or old furniture that he can jump on. There’s lots of ways that you can respond in a kind way and there’s never a need to be the police, setting limits. I never even used these words, but I support the child in the face of limits. Not setting limits doesn’t mean being permissive, it doesn’t mean the kid can do whatever they want, it does not mean he should climb on the counter and there’s nothing you can do about it. It doesn’t mean that at all, in fact, one of the things that I teach parents. 

Many parents come to me for counseling, when they’ve already developed a pattern with the child that’s rooted in permissiveness. They think the child should get whatever they want, so they just don’t know to say no, or they try to say it with words, “Oh please get off the counter”, “Mommy said don’t do this” and the child laughs and keeps doing what they’re doing and they get used to it but the word doesn’t mean anything. So young children really understand things mostly by physical body experience, so if you don’t want a child to go on the counter, you don’t need to set limits by punishment or scolding or saying anything to him. When you let him know how life works, he wants to cooperate. You take him physically off the counter. You make the counter not accessible, if there’s something next to it that he can climb on, or if the structure is climbable. Cover that area, cut that wood off or whatever makes it climbable. Take the child off the place like you would when they run into the street; everybody knows how to act when the child runs into the street or into the water. Nobody hesitates to react very clearly and very physically. I react physically when a child puts something in their mouth that is too small and dangerous and could get stuck in the throat, same thing; every parent knows what to do.

It doesn’t have to be done with anger, you just rush there and grab the thing out of their hand. The child may cry; they wanted that stone - wonderful. “I know you wanted that, but I love you and that’s dangerous.” No big story. Be physical with letting the child know how your little universe at home and in social situation works. They want your guidance; you take them off the counter, but you don’t have to be angry. They climbed on it innocently; you just take them off the counter and say, “Let’s go climb somewhere else; you love climbing.” Find a solution, find a place to climb so he knows you’re on his side and know the counter in the kitchen is not the place to climb. He may do it a couple more times, but each time a physical, clear response that’s loving, kind and clear-removing the child, not talking to them , lecturing them, “please”, and all that, but physically moving them-creates the learning of how this universe works.