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This 10 minute audio clip is taken from an informative interview I did with parenting expert Naomi Aldort, for more information on Naomi’s work visit www.AuthenticParent.com. Read more »

Doing some Q and A on other sites, I thought I would share my questions and answers with you….
How do I get my child to behave?Great question!

As parents we want our children to be well behaved and co-operative. This only makes sense, as when our children misbehave its exhausting and reflects badly on us as parents.

In my experience the healthiest co-operation comes from willingness and desire on the part of your child.  This maybe sound farfetched but it IS possible.

I don’t know how old your child is but depending on their age, most children don’t co-operate because they lack information.  For example, a one year old that pours milk on the floor shouldn’t be expected to know that it makes a mess and is undesirable for mom.  Or a three year old that wants to sing, but doesn’t know that it’s not ok to sing in restaurants.  Most children don’t misbehave on purpose.   They have a strong desire to please their parents.  So before jumping to conclusions explain how you feel to them about what they’re doing, most likely they will stop doing it.

But back to your question:  How do I get my child to behave?

Well (you’re not going to like this) but you don’t get them to behave.  And if you force your child to behave she will start thinking that forcing someone to do something is acceptable. And won’t develop the self esteem she needs to make good decisions and say “no” when she is older.

Research shows time and time again that forcing young children to do things rarely works. And leads to bigger consequences later in life.

The best thing you can do is treat her with total respect and kindness and she will most likely start to cooperate with you more.  For example, my son is 4 and he cooperates with me most of the time.  Not all of the time, but most.  If I forced him to cooperate I would have to use punishment or be forceful, and I don’t want to do that because that would injure his self esteem.  So, how I get him to cooperate is by being respectful and kind to him, and it works.  I’ve seen it work in hundreds of other children and families as well (I work with families, so I see lots of these situations).
Another thing is expectation.  We have all sorts of expectations about our children.  And it’s important to look at that as well.  Expecting a young child to sit still in a restaurant or sit through a concert is unreasonable.  So, take a look at what you expect from her…..I could talk about this all day but the bottom line is empower your children with encouragement but never force her to do something. Children learn best by example and not force.

Wouldn’t you rather have her voluntarily clean up, than do it by force?

My son often cleans up, I have treated him with respect since birth, and he is the
most cooperative toddler I know. And this is because I have lead by example and not force.

If your child is a toddler, sometimes she will do what you want and behave and sometimes she won’t, but that is healthy self-esteem. Children that
do everything you want all the time often have low self esteem and approval issues.

When she gets a bit older she will be much more cooperative if you demonstrate respect first hand.

All good wishes,
If you have any further questions don’t hesitate to contact me!

Last year, I had the pleasure of interviewing Dr. Peter Haiman.  Aside from being and authentic and good hearted individual, he is also a wealth of parenting knowledge.  You can visit his website at PeterHaiman.com for more info.

I will be posting the audio interview here soon.

Read more »

This is part 2 of a 2 part series from an interview I did with parenting expert Naomi Aldort (see part one here when setting limits is appropriate and when its not, interview Naomi Aldort, Part 1)

You can download the interview transcript for free by clicking here Attachment Parenting Interview With Naomi . You can also download the audio interview here Audio Interview With Naomi.  If you would like information on Naomi’s book you can visit here:  Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves,  You can also visit Naomi’s website at  www.naomialdort.com.

When setting limits is appropriate and when its not….

Like going to relatives, people ask me a lot about that and I say, “Well, tell them before you get to grandma.” At home, I let my kids jump on couches - I don’t see any harm in that. But then grandma doesn’t want them to jump on the couch and she has a fancy couch and living room and doesn’t want them jumping on the furniture. I tell them before we go there, “At grandmas, she doesn’t want you to jump on the couch. I’ll help you remember or grandma will help you remember.”

When you help them remember, it’s not by scolding, it’s by picking them up and saying, “Remember we’re at grandma’s house, but when we get home you can jump on the couch as much as you want.” Or bring the rebounder with you and say, “You know, I brought the rebounder; I know how much you love to jump and grandma won’t let you jump on the couch, so here’s something you can jump on.” Or ask grandma if there’s some furniture that you can bring or that she can have, or old furniture that he can jump on. There’s lots of ways that you can respond in a kind way and there’s never a need to be the police, setting limits. I never even used these words, but I support the child in the face of limits. Not setting limits doesn’t mean being permissive, it doesn’t mean the kid can do whatever they want, it does not mean he should climb on the counter and there’s nothing you can do about it. It doesn’t mean that at all, in fact, one of the things that I teach parents. 

Many parents come to me for counseling, when they’ve already developed a pattern with the child that’s rooted in permissiveness. They think the child should get whatever they want, so they just don’t know to say no, or they try to say it with words, “Oh please get off the counter”, “Mommy said don’t do this” and the child laughs and keeps doing what they’re doing and they get used to it but the word doesn’t mean anything. So young children really understand things mostly by physical body experience, so if you don’t want a child to go on the counter, you don’t need to set limits by punishment or scolding or saying anything to him. When you let him know how life works, he wants to cooperate. You take him physically off the counter. You make the counter not accessible, if there’s something next to it that he can climb on, or if the structure is climbable. Cover that area, cut that wood off or whatever makes it climbable. Take the child off the place like you would when they run into the street; everybody knows how to act when the child runs into the street or into the water. Nobody hesitates to react very clearly and very physically. I react physically when a child puts something in their mouth that is too small and dangerous and could get stuck in the throat, same thing; every parent knows what to do.

It doesn’t have to be done with anger, you just rush there and grab the thing out of their hand. The child may cry; they wanted that stone - wonderful. “I know you wanted that, but I love you and that’s dangerous.” No big story. Be physical with letting the child know how your little universe at home and in social situation works. They want your guidance; you take them off the counter, but you don’t have to be angry. They climbed on it innocently; you just take them off the counter and say, “Let’s go climb somewhere else; you love climbing.” Find a solution, find a place to climb so he knows you’re on his side and know the counter in the kitchen is not the place to climb. He may do it a couple more times, but each time a physical, clear response that’s loving, kind and clear-removing the child, not talking to them , lecturing them, “please”, and all that, but physically moving them-creates the learning of how this universe works.

This is an excerpt from an Attachment Parenting interview I did with parenting expert Naomi Aldort.  You can download the interview transcript for free by clicking here Attachment Parenting Interview With Naomi . You can also download the audio interview here Audio Interview With Naomi.  If you would like information on Naomi’s book you can visit here:  Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves,  You can also visit Naomi’s website at  www.naomialdort.com.

This is part 2 of a 2 part interview, to see part one visit: Is It Necessary To Use Discipline With Children? Naomi Aldort, Part 2

Ashley: Is it necessary to use discipline with children?

In my book, there’s an example about teaching not to get int dangerous situations.  Because a lot of parents’ rebuttal to what I say is “Well, how do you teach them not to get into the creek?”

I had this beautiful story that came from two different parents: One said to me how it was too late, she disciplined a child to not go to the creek; they moved to a place that had a creek running in their yard. The first time the child went to the creek, it got punished or disciplined, “never, ever go to the creek”, this child became more and more curious about that creek and I was fearful for the life of this child, because he never understood why not to go to the creek, only that “my mother is not on my side, she’s preventing me from doing what I want to do”.

This other family worked with me while their baby was still a baby and couldn’t walk to the creek. When the baby started to walk and wanted to get to the noise of the gushing water of the creek, the father went with him to the water and showed him how a leaf goes away very fast and he took his shoes off and stood in the water to feel the velocity of the water and told him, “You can go to the creek as much as you want, always with mommy or daddy. Never go here by yourself, but we would love to go with you.”

The kid got so excited about the creek and he got his parents to go with him about three times a day originally, then gradually less and less, but he never went there by himself. I still know his parents and the child never went there by himself as a young child, never. He was always happy and had a positive experience about the creek and listened to them. So many parents say, “My child won’t listen to me, so I need to punish him”. No, he doesn’t listen to you because you punished him; because you show up as the enemy, the one who goes against him. When you are on his side, finding a solution and there’s another story like that in the book about the child sitting on the window sill on the fourth floor. When the mother finds a solution and brings a stool, “Oh, I see you want to sit on the window to see down to the street. Here is a stool, I’m scared when you sit like this on the sill”. The child said, “But mom, I’m not going to fall” and she said, “I know, but I’m scared when I see you this way. Would you stand on the stool? This way only your upper body is on the glass and I feel better.” That’s it, that was the end of the problem; she provided a solution, she was on his side. We worked on that, she didn’t originally, but we all learn. The power of connection, attachment, as attachment-parenting calls it, but I like to call it connection, responsiveness, a bond of love-where you know, “Mom is always on my side, protecting me.” This causes the child to trust you. When they trust you, they listen to you because they know what you say is for their sake.

You never need to hurt them; hurting people doesn’t cause them to be better, it just causes them to be scared. That’s what we get in our society, a lot of scared people on antidepressants or on shopping addictions. They are compensating for the missing bond by finding joy in things, in possessions, in toys, in smoking, in drugs, or just staying normal but staying depressed and not knowing why. It’s so beautiful to stay connected and to see the children behave the best when they’re not disciplined. They behave the best. Do you know how many times I got the compliment in public; I would go to restaurants, parks, lectures, concerts when the kids were babies, toddlers and young children, one hundred percent of our outings were accompanied by some adult coming from another table or at the end of a concert and say, “What do you do with your children that they behave so well?” I look at them and I say, “I don’t do anything.” They want to behave well, they’re content, they’re happy and we have a relationship of trust with each other; they have no reason to do something against what’s going on. They want to be successful adults; they want to fit in. They see everybody sitting in an auditorium quietly listening to what’s on stage and they do the same, they want to be part of it. That’s the nature of the human being; they want to fit in, they want to cooperate, they want to do what you want them do to, they want to succeed and connect with you and please you.

It’s time for #2 of your free report…

"15 Effective Alternatives to Punishment"

I hope that you have been considering how to use the first alternative that you were presented with.

And now let’s keep going…

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Alternative #2:
Ask a Question
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Alternative #2: Ask a Question

How was your homework from the last alternative to punishment? (if you miss it see here)

• How the big mess your child makes is completely preventable (by using this one technique).
• What you need to do to avoid conflict and anger with your little one.
• One extremely simple and effective self esteem promoting action that most parents do not know.
•  And much more…

You will be so much closer to your child when you start implementing these…
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This is an excerpt from an Attachment Parenting interview I did with parenting expert Naomi Aldort.  You can download the interview transcript for free by clicking here Attachment Parenting Interview With Naomi . You can also download the audio interview here Audio Interview With Naomi.  If you would like information on Naomi’s book you can visit here:  Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves,  You can also visit Naomi’s website at  www.naomialdort.com.

Ashley: Is it necessary to use discipline with children?

Naomi:
No. In our culture, The word “discipline” is used as a nice word for punishment or even spanking. When a child is totally content with who they are, when they know that you are on their side and they trust themselves and you, they don’t need to be disciplined.

Hurting someone doesn’t make them behave better, it makes them aggressive and it makes them hurt. It makes them lose every quality that we already talked about about creating an emotionally healthy child. Not only is it unnecessary, it’s actually harmful.

I raised three children and I know hundreds of thousands of children through my work, and deal directly with clients who call and have sessions by phone and in person, as well in my many workshops where I meet hundreds of people at once. Again and again, I see those children who are raised attached, connected, bonded and with a sense of trust and self-respect and they behave well because they want to, not because they are afraid of the parent and not because they are trying to appease the parent.

If you look on Amazon in the description of my book, the first sentence is exactly about that; it talks about all parents would love it if they could never scold or never punish. Nobody wants to hurt their child; parents love their children and never want to hurt them. They only do that because they innocently and mistakenly believe that otherwise the child will not learn to behave well. What my book and my work is about is how to raise children who behave well because they want to, of their own free will. Isn’t it so much nicer to have a child that wants to do well? They’re not afraid of you and that’s why they’re doing well, which means the moment you’re not at home, they’ll do the opposite. They’re not wanting to appease you.

When we appease another person, we’re taking our cues for behavior from the other person. Whether fear of punishment or seeking their approval or praise, it’s all the same; it’s looking “out there” to “what should I do?” But if the mother or the father is disciplining, which means “now mommy and daddy are the police”, then the underlying message is, “as I grow up, I need to learn to get by in spite of the police and against them”. That’s where you get all those teenagers whose parents don’t even know what’s going on in their lives; they are hiding, they are lying, and are living in secrecy and what their life is about is succumbing to peer pressure.

So if we want somebody who is at peace with themselves, they will do what’s right from inside, because they want to and because they know

“if my mother stops me from doing something, she’s stopping me because she loves me and because she knows what’s best for me”.

It’s not that the child will never scream; if I pull the two-year-old out of the street, the initial reaction may be screaming for a few reasons: One, I’ve thwarted what he’s doing. He ran after the ball or after the cat-and maybe not aware of cars coming around or just the danger. Maybe there were no cars at that moment and he thought it was fine, but I want to be clear “We don’t run into the street”. So I grab the kid and he may scream. He may also scream because he senses my anxiety when I come in, and I have a tremendous amount of adrenaline and fear going on and I may scream while I do that, because I have no control over that. He may scream, he may be upset, and the ball may be gone and the cat may be gone and he didn’t get what he wants. I’m not saying that you would always do only things that they baby or toddler is always happy about, but when the connection is so primal and strong and positive,
“My mother is on my side, she doesn’t go to punish me or teach me a lesson or scold me, she’s finding solutions for me and when that happens, I can finish crying and understand what mom went through, if she says she is really scared."
‘I was afraid that you would run into the street and I love you so much, I don’t want you to be hurt’”-then the child gets over it and becomes powerful. “I can cry, I can be upset and then I get to the other side of it and my mom loves me all through it”. Again, that’s not discipline, that’s responding.

Stay tuned for part two of the series: Is It Necessary To Use Discipline With Children? Naomi Aldort

For the interview live please visit: Parenting Interview With Naomi Aldort 1, Parenting Interview With Naomi Aldort 2.

I have read so much information on this topic. And I think it comes down to more than one factor, which I will discuss shortly….

What is success and how do we determine it anyway?

From a societal and social conditioning perspective success would be financial, emotional and a host of other meanings. According to wikipedia….

Success may mean: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Success

• a level of social status

• achievement of an objective/goal

• the opposite of failure

Research shows that most financially successful people have ONE thing and ONE thing only in common. And that’s each of them had one person in their lives that encouraged them beyond all else and believed in them NO MATTER WHAT! I find that often (and you can disagree) people that are successful financially generally are successful in other areas as well. This is not in all cases but most of the big players in the financial world know what it takes to be successful. They undersatnd that In order to be successful one must master other areas of life, such as emotions etc.

Back to “How to groom your child for success” … Just like the study points out. It is imperative to be supportive and believe in our children NO MATTER WHAT!

Its no matter what the circumstance. I think this one factor alone is imperative. And can make or break their “success” factor.

This is an excerpt from an Attachment Parenting interview I did with parenting expert Naomi Aldort.  You can download the interview transcript for free by clicking here Attachment Parenting Interview With Naomi . You can also download the audio interview here Audio Interview With Naomi.  If you would like information on Naomi’s book you can visit here:  Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves,  You can also visit Naomi’s website at  www.naomialdort.com.

Ashley: What is the basic foundation for raising an emotionally healthy child?

Naomi:

That’s such a beautiful question, especially after the first one because it’s all connected. In a way I already answered it, but let’s go a little deeper as the child grows up…

The basic foundation for an emotionally healthy child is for the child to experience that they’re worthy and alright the way they are. 

If I give a message to the baby or the toddler, “What you want is not alright” and I’m not talking about wants like candy and toys; I’m talking about basic primal needs. If I want to be held, if I want to nurse, to breastfeed, if I want to sleep next to the person I love the most etc. What creates an emotional healthy child is, that the child knows that life is content and peaceful and things go my way (my needs are met). The other side of an emotionally healthy child is not the opposite, but people may see it as the opposite, is the ability of the child to face life however it is and love it however it is. That’s a little harder for most of us to teach because we were raised in a very materialistic society that’s addicted to getting what we want.

In life we don’t always get what we want, and children become emotionally powerful when they have that balance where the primal needs are there, so there is no anxiety about “Am I loved, am I worthy, will I get someone to snuggle next to me, will I be held?”. 

Having a benign attitude about that, like, “okay I wanted that toy and I guess I can’t have it, but I get to listen to a story with my mother now”, or “I just don’t get this, we’re not going to the beach right now”, or “we’re not eating ice cream right now”, and having that stay peaceful and rooted in who I am and me and the love of my mother and my father is the primary connection and all the rest is superficial, then I stay powerful and the baby can handle anything and they grow up being able to handle anything.

My teenager is 15 years old and the most sensitive age for peer pressure, comes home and he said, “You know, this friend of mine and these other two girls were all teasing me. They ganged up on me. And I said, “What did you say to them? Did it hurt your feelings?” He said “Absolutely not, that’s just their game, it has nothing to do with me.” He said, “I told them ‘that’s fine, I don’t mind.’” My children in general are not given to peer pressure and are not hurt by the usual stuff that teenagers are hurt by. In fact, each one of them- two of them are teenagers and one of them is an adult- A they become teenagers and as the peer pressure comes, they hear stories from their friends about “oh I feel so upset because so-and-so said this”, my children counsel them by saying “what’s there to be upset about?”. 

That kind of emotional resilience is not the result of getting whatever you want all your life, it’s the result of having the basic primal needs totally met, totally not questioned, even if sometimes you have to be separated from your mom for a little while, there is that essential.  Beingness knowing, “I’m always cared for and my feelings are always cared for and my feelings are always validated”.

The third thing is self-expression. Knowing that whatever I feel and what’s going on for me I can express fully and it doesn’t mean I change the universe. That’s where power comes from, I don’t change reality; the candy doesn’t materialize because I screamed, but I can express myself and somebody who loves me is going to listen to me, understand me and let me unleash the whole thing and move on.

For the interview live please visit: Parenting Interview With Naomi Aldort 1, Parenting Interview With Naomi Aldort 2.