This Q and A is with Kali Wendorf editor of Kindred Magazine (http://www.kindredmagazine.com.au)

Ashley: How society is set up now, do you think it’s optimal for raising children?

Kali: Absolutely not. Not at all. Again, we live in a globalised culture—meaning, we must work harder and harder to earn the same dollar. And with corporations wielding so much power and influence, it means they have a direct hand in almost every, if not every, aspect of our lives – what we are taught at school, how births are treated, how much we must work, what we are allowed to know, what we are allowed to talk about, what we do with our free time, our sense of ourselves as human beings…

And governments serve the corporations (because corporations fund their elections), and the corporations serve the economy, and the economy only looks good when money is made. Money doesn’t get made when a mother chooses to breastfeed over bottle-feed. Money doesn’t get made when a family chooses to home-school. Money doesn’t get made when a mother or father chooses to stay home with the baby and not work, and not put the baby in daycare. Read more »

This Q and A is with Kali Wendorf editor of Kindred Magazine (http://www.kindredmagazine.com.au)

Ashley: I have heard you talk about the nuclear family, could you in your own words define that term and what it means to you? Are there any downsides to this (in your opinion)?

Kali: The nuclear family, as I define it, is the basic father, mother and 2.5 kids model. It’s based on an insular mindset, whereby community and larger extended family have very little to do with the day to day existence of its members. The nuclear family model is mostly a product of a globalised economy, whereby family members move away from each other in search of work and people spend a majority of their time at work and at school, or in their cars commuting to those two places. Read more »

A Rejected Child and the Volcano
By: Naomi Aldort Ph.D. (www.AuthenticParent.com)

When the volcanic mountain in our state, Mount St. Helens, started to rumble, one of my children asked, “Do people who live close by get mad when the volcano erupts?” “Do you get mad at the rain?” I asked. While he was pondering my question, his older brother said, “Being mad at the rain or a mountain erupting is as insane as being mad at another person.” I gasped with delight; indeed, by presenting itself totally unchangeable, the volcano teaches us to love reality. When it erupts, we don’t try to stop it, change its mind or judge it; we simply remove ourselves from the area and we get excited about the drama of nature from a safe distance. We live at peace with nature because we have realized that it doesn’t change for us. Yet, we expect humans to change for us. Such expectation often leaves us frustrated and powerless. Read more »

This is part 7 of a 10 part parenting series, you can read the previous post Top 10 things you can do for yourself to be a better parent. #6 Have Passion! by clicking here.

#7 Heal The Past.

I have to say, this is the biggest and most difficult thing preventing me from being as close as I can with my son. Sometimes I feel shrouded and taken over by the past. And in those moments, I’m not in the present, and I’m definitely not the best parent I can be.
Read more »

Lately I’ve been having discussions on homeschooling and trying to protect little ones from exposure to negativity from the regular school system. Many parents feel that by protecting children with homeschooling or sending them to school later children aren’t prepared for the “real world” and end up in a “bubble”. 

The idea that children need to be socialized at 2, 3, 4 and even 5 is absolute hogwash and baloney. 

It’s CRITICAL to protect and nurture our young ones as much as possible. The world is a harsh enough place as is and introducing them to obnoxious or harmful behavior early is no way to foster esteem.   Children learn by example and by putting them in daycare and school at a young age is not an answer to socialization. 

Many children have very difficult and abusive home lives, and with the large ratio of kids to teachers there’s no way for care givers and teachers to regulate what’s going on. And other children’s issues and projections are often going to be transferred onto our children. That’s just the way it is. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with parents doing their very best to prevent this from happening. 

For parents that NEED to send their children to daycare or school early, that’s OK, and there’s no need to feel guilty.   Though, if you do have the option of keeping your child at home OR ARE sending them to school to give them a dose of the “real world” please think again. It may do them more harm than good. Your child will get a large dose of reality soon enough, introducing it too soon is not an enhancer of any sorts. 

Research reveals children don’t need to be socialized at 2, 3 and 4. If you observe a daycare for the day you will see that it’s often riddled with conflicts. Young children don’t have self control and there’s often more conflict over toys than actually playing. 

Instead of focusing on “doses of reality” we need to focus on a better world, and that may include controlling our child’s environment. Just like not allowing teenagers to go to nightclubs before they’re ready. It’s the same with young ones. 

I have read so much information on this topic. And I think it comes down to more than one factor, which I will discuss shortly….

What is success and how do we determine it anyway?

From a societal and social conditioning perspective success would be financial, emotional and a host of other meanings. According to wikipedia….

Success may mean: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Success

• a level of social status

• achievement of an objective/goal

• the opposite of failure

Research shows that most financially successful people have ONE thing and ONE thing only in common. And that’s each of them had one person in their lives that encouraged them beyond all else and believed in them NO MATTER WHAT! I find that often (and you can disagree) people that are successful financially generally are successful in other areas as well. This is not in all cases but most of the big players in the financial world know what it takes to be successful. They undersatnd that In order to be successful one must master other areas of life, such as emotions etc.

Back to “How to groom your child for success” … Just like the study points out. It is imperative to be supportive and believe in our children NO MATTER WHAT!

Its no matter what the circumstance. I think this one factor alone is imperative. And can make or break their “success” factor.

As a parent interested in growth it’s important to acknowledge the fact that certain ideas we have, or certain parenting techniques we employ may not be optimal for our child’s growth. These ideas may feel ok and right at the time, but this is because society accepts them as right and therefor makes it ok. And when others make it ok, we feel ok about it. This has been demonstrated throughout history, when the slave trade was accepted and when women were non-citizens. Those situations were ok because people made them ok, and many didn’t question if the ideas behind these approaches were correct.

If you think about the concept behind yelling or punishing a child when they don’t have enough information, It doesn’t make a lot of sense. Then why do people continue to do it one may ask? Good question. One that will be answered shortly…

Many people feel the pressure more publicly than in their private lives. For example disciplining our children in public is encouraged and there is pressure from those around us to keep our children "in line". Many parents wouldn’t talk to their children the same way in public as they do at home. Sometimes we parent or even live our lives in certain ways because we feel pressured to do so. And oftentimes we parent in ways which were taught to us, and we really don’t have choice in the matter.

The definition of choice in the dictionary: 1. The act of choosing; selection. 2. The power, right, or liberty to choose; option.

It is important to see that we never really have had the choice to parent in one way or another. We were never given the option of doing things a different way. We practice what learned without question. So please don’t think for a minute that you had a choice about parenting up to this point because you haven’t. You are doing what your parents have done with you, and at the same time rebelling against what they were doing. Doesn’t make much sense does it?

By acknowledging the possibility that we did not have a choice we are on the road to becoming a better parent. In order to change something, it needs to be put into light and perspective. Please take a look right now at just the POSSIBILITY that what you are doing may not be the most effective way to parent. Science has actually proven that the ways in which we have raised our children in the last decade is not the healthiest and most effective way possible. Here are just a few points, I will add more scientific resources to add to this:

• · It has been proven that children raised with authoritarian discipline have lower IQ scores and are unhealthier emotionally, especially later on in life. Authoritarian as in harsh tones, yelling, ruling with an iron fist.
  
• · Children that were raised in homes with lots of love and affection do better than their peers later on in life.
• · Adults that were raised in homes with one or more parents who used encouragement were more financially and emotionally successful as adults.

The bottom line is that in starting a journey to heal our child’s hurts we need to look at our parenting practices more carefully….

Sincerely,

Ashley Ryan

Thought Provoking: Our Society Is Punishment and Reward Centered

As children when we were angry, many of us were treated with disapproval by our parents. We were punished and sent to our rooms or even physically reprimanded (spanking, hitting). Our care givers were not able to deal with our strong feelings so they did what was shown to them by their own parents. Now having children of our own many of us don’t know how to cope with our children’s anger. In turn, our reactions have become a lesser and more watered down version of our parents reactions. Like a song playing on repeat.

As children we learned that anger is not acceptable and it is best kept inside. If we didn’t keep it inside we would be punished and if we did keep it inside there was approval or a reward. “Oh aren’t you a good boy or girl” “What a good child” are some examples of this.

Important points:

· The way we deal with anger is similar to what we were taught.

· Even though we think that we are “different” than our parents. If we look closely enough we will see how we mimic what was done to us.

· As children, many people were punished for anger or rewarded for withholding anger.

· Our society is a punishment and reward centered. While punishments and rewards are effective they do not foster self esteem and self worth.

Warmly,

Ashley Ryan