This article is by Patty Wipfler of Hand in Hand http://www.HandinHandParenting.org, this site is a must visit!“

I Want It Now!”—Children’s Wants and Needs

It’s a big part of parenting

A big part of our experience as parents has to do with developing ways to address the deeply felt wants and needs of our children. We deal with wants and needs from our babies’ earliest moments through their entry into young adulthood. We have to figure out what our children’s real needs are, and what to do when they want things they don’t need, or can’t have. And we have to deal with our own feelings of sadness, frustration, or anger about how much they need and want. We are dedicated to making life as good as possible for them, but sooner or later we find it hard to be generous when our own needs for rest, reassurance, and resource aren’t well met.

Whole books are written about the developmental needs of young children, so this little article won’t try to point out the difference between needs and wants at a particular age or stage. Suffice it to say here that children need lots of undivided, warm attention from their parents and others around them. They need to be treated with respect. They need play, lots of room to experiment, and lots of positive response to who they are and what interesting experiments they do. They need information about what’s going on around them, from the very beginning: their minds work beautifully, and from birth they fully understand the emotional import of every interaction with us. They also understand far more language than we realize. Even when we meet their needs well, there are moments every single day when our children long for attention or for things we can’t give them the moment they feel the need. When Mommy and Daddy can handle these moments of intense longing gently and with understanding, it makes a huge difference in a child’s life. Read more »

A Rejected Child and the Volcano
By: Naomi Aldort Ph.D. (www.AuthenticParent.com)

When the volcanic mountain in our state, Mount St. Helens, started to rumble, one of my children asked, “Do people who live close by get mad when the volcano erupts?” “Do you get mad at the rain?” I asked. While he was pondering my question, his older brother said, “Being mad at the rain or a mountain erupting is as insane as being mad at another person.” I gasped with delight; indeed, by presenting itself totally unchangeable, the volcano teaches us to love reality. When it erupts, we don’t try to stop it, change its mind or judge it; we simply remove ourselves from the area and we get excited about the drama of nature from a safe distance. We live at peace with nature because we have realized that it doesn’t change for us. Yet, we expect humans to change for us. Such expectation often leaves us frustrated and powerless. Read more »

Doing some Q and A on other sites, I thought I would share my questions and answers with you….
How do I get my child to behave?Great question!

As parents we want our children to be well behaved and co-operative. This only makes sense, as when our children misbehave its exhausting and reflects badly on us as parents.

In my experience the healthiest co-operation comes from willingness and desire on the part of your child.  This maybe sound farfetched but it IS possible.

I don’t know how old your child is but depending on their age, most children don’t co-operate because they lack information.  For example, a one year old that pours milk on the floor shouldn’t be expected to know that it makes a mess and is undesirable for mom.  Or a three year old that wants to sing, but doesn’t know that it’s not ok to sing in restaurants.  Most children don’t misbehave on purpose.   They have a strong desire to please their parents.  So before jumping to conclusions explain how you feel to them about what they’re doing, most likely they will stop doing it.

But back to your question:  How do I get my child to behave?

Well (you’re not going to like this) but you don’t get them to behave.  And if you force your child to behave she will start thinking that forcing someone to do something is acceptable. And won’t develop the self esteem she needs to make good decisions and say “no” when she is older.

Research shows time and time again that forcing young children to do things rarely works. And leads to bigger consequences later in life.

The best thing you can do is treat her with total respect and kindness and she will most likely start to cooperate with you more.  For example, my son is 4 and he cooperates with me most of the time.  Not all of the time, but most.  If I forced him to cooperate I would have to use punishment or be forceful, and I don’t want to do that because that would injure his self esteem.  So, how I get him to cooperate is by being respectful and kind to him, and it works.  I’ve seen it work in hundreds of other children and families as well (I work with families, so I see lots of these situations).
Another thing is expectation.  We have all sorts of expectations about our children.  And it’s important to look at that as well.  Expecting a young child to sit still in a restaurant or sit through a concert is unreasonable.  So, take a look at what you expect from her…..I could talk about this all day but the bottom line is empower your children with encouragement but never force her to do something. Children learn best by example and not force.

Wouldn’t you rather have her voluntarily clean up, than do it by force?

My son often cleans up, I have treated him with respect since birth, and he is the
most cooperative toddler I know. And this is because I have lead by example and not force.

If your child is a toddler, sometimes she will do what you want and behave and sometimes she won’t, but that is healthy self-esteem. Children that
do everything you want all the time often have low self esteem and approval issues.

When she gets a bit older she will be much more cooperative if you demonstrate respect first hand.

All good wishes,
If you have any further questions don’t hesitate to contact me!

Last year, I had the pleasure of interviewing Dr. Peter Haiman.  Aside from being and authentic and good hearted individual, he is also a wealth of parenting knowledge.  You can visit his website at PeterHaiman.com for more info.

I will be posting the audio interview here soon.

Read more »