This article is by Patty Wipfler of Hand in Hand http://www.HandinHandParenting.org, this site is a must visit!“

I Want It Now!”—Children’s Wants and Needs

It’s a big part of parenting

A big part of our experience as parents has to do with developing ways to address the deeply felt wants and needs of our children. We deal with wants and needs from our babies’ earliest moments through their entry into young adulthood. We have to figure out what our children’s real needs are, and what to do when they want things they don’t need, or can’t have. And we have to deal with our own feelings of sadness, frustration, or anger about how much they need and want. We are dedicated to making life as good as possible for them, but sooner or later we find it hard to be generous when our own needs for rest, reassurance, and resource aren’t well met.

Whole books are written about the developmental needs of young children, so this little article won’t try to point out the difference between needs and wants at a particular age or stage. Suffice it to say here that children need lots of undivided, warm attention from their parents and others around them. They need to be treated with respect. They need play, lots of room to experiment, and lots of positive response to who they are and what interesting experiments they do. They need information about what’s going on around them, from the very beginning: their minds work beautifully, and from birth they fully understand the emotional import of every interaction with us. They also understand far more language than we realize. Even when we meet their needs well, there are moments every single day when our children long for attention or for things we can’t give them the moment they feel the need. When Mommy and Daddy can handle these moments of intense longing gently and with understanding, it makes a huge difference in a child’s life. Read more »

This is part 2 of A Rejected Child and the Volcano by Naomi Aldort. To read part 1 of A Rejected Child and the Volcano Click Here.

When a child asks you to mediate

There are times when talking to the other children is useful, as when a child asks for it directly. Even then, it is important not to fix anyone or mend the situation, so the child can choose reality and learn from it. A group of children were playing on the grass at a lunch break of one of my workshops. One boy came to his mother to say that he was not included in the game. The mother asked for my guidance and I said that there was nothing to do other then respond to his initiative as she would in any other setting. “So, are you going to play inside now?” she asked her son, trying to guess his plans. “No,” the boy said, “I want you to come with me and talk to the kids.”

They went over and the mother acknowledged the difficulty without judging anyone nor asking for anything. She then listened fully to each child’s point of view. It turned out that her son didn’t know the game and was breaking the rules. The children said he could watch and learn but he decided to join his parents on the porch.
This mother did not initiate talking to the other children, nor did she solve, preach, teach or give a sermon about kindness and inclusion. She followed her child’s request. The child took action on his own behalf by asking for his mother’s mediation and since she didn’t see a problem, neither did he. He made his choice freely and without doubting his worth or feeling victimized.
Read more »

A Rejected Child and the Volcano
By: Naomi Aldort Ph.D. (www.AuthenticParent.com)

When the volcanic mountain in our state, Mount St. Helens, started to rumble, one of my children asked, “Do people who live close by get mad when the volcano erupts?” “Do you get mad at the rain?” I asked. While he was pondering my question, his older brother said, “Being mad at the rain or a mountain erupting is as insane as being mad at another person.” I gasped with delight; indeed, by presenting itself totally unchangeable, the volcano teaches us to love reality. When it erupts, we don’t try to stop it, change its mind or judge it; we simply remove ourselves from the area and we get excited about the drama of nature from a safe distance. We live at peace with nature because we have realized that it doesn’t change for us. Yet, we expect humans to change for us. Such expectation often leaves us frustrated and powerless. Read more »

This is taken from “Ask Naomi” with parenting expert Naomi Aldort Ph.D. To see Part 1 of Why Toddlers Bite Click Here.

Preventing Biting
A toddler who feels connected, loved, autonomous and at peace is not likely to bite. She has no need for it. Therefore the first path of prevention is respecting your toddler’s autonomous inner guidance, avoiding undue expectations and restrictions and staying close and connected. This may include avoiding peer play, which is often much too difficult for young children. Notice how much happier your baby is with an older child or with you. Read more »

This is taken from “Ask Naomi” with parenting expert Naomi Aldort Ph.D.

Q: My baby is one year old and started biting me to get my attention or when not getting her way. How can I stop her?

A: Biting in the early years is not different from other aggression. Some biting can be benign and transient. A frustrated toddler does not have a rich language and is likely to use her body to express herself. If you respond quickly to the first try quickly, clearly and kindly, there won’t be a second time. If your daughter is repeating the biting, two things are happening: Your responses are not clear TO HER. And, the reason for her drive to bite has not been addressed. Read more »

Last year, I had the pleasure of interviewing Dr. Peter Haiman.  Aside from being and authentic and good hearted individual, he is also a wealth of parenting knowledge.  You can visit his website at PeterHaiman.com for more info.

I will be posting the audio interview here soon.

Read more »

I had a fantastic call with Parenting leader, coach and one of my mentors Patty Wipfler (http://www.HandinHandParenting.org).  This call was so jammed packed full of great info I just had to write about it.  We were discussing aggression in children.  Lately my son’s been using an aggressive tone which has been a concern for me, I got some insight on it that I wanted to share with you….

When children are aggressive we often punish, reprimand, or explain.
Explaining or reasoning with an angry child rarely works.  The child is hurting and needs love and understanding.

When children are aggressive they’re frightened and are looking to us to reach for them and be close to help them heal.  No amount of punishment or discussion will help them heal their intense feelings.  What I interpreted from this call is reminder to slowly and gently move towards my son with love and be prepared to listen to his intense feelings and fears.  This is discussed in Patty’s various works, which I highly recommend parents access.

The bottom line is that I was avoiding my sons cries for help. I got a little too “mental” and started to reason with him when in fact he isn’t thinking clearly and reasoning isn’t going to get me anywhere.  When my son uses an aggressive tone I need to put my own feelings aside and push through by being close and there for him in a loving and gentle way.  No amount of discussion will make a dent in his fears.

Again for more information on amazing works of Patty Wipfler please visit: http://www.HandinHandParenting.org.

When a child is angry it’s a good assumption that there are extremely painful feelings underneath. When your child’s hurt, anger is used as a defense mechanism and a way to cope with painful feelings inside. As an adult its often difficult to acknowledge our child’s anger, because if we do we would have to acknowledge our child’s pain and sadness as well. With that acknowledgment comes a lot of guilt, so it’s easier to accept anger as it is rather than deal with it.

Important Point:

Anger is a defensive mechanism and a coping strategy to cope with very painful feelings. Underneath anger is sadness and pain. When your small child is angry it’s because there is pain underneath.

When children are talked to harshly, left alone too much or try to process things that are above their understanding they become frightened. If these incidents occur time and time again children build up mechanisms to cope with these intense situations. Every child processes things differently and one way to process these painful fears is by using anger.

Here are some other examples of sources of stress in children that cause fear which may lead to outward anger and aggression:

• Overstimulation in the environment (loud music)
• Events that children cannot understand (arguing, yelling)
• Physical hurts
• Talking harshly
• Separation from care giver
• Neglect or being ignored
• Authoritarian discipline
• Unrealistic or high expectations of the child
• Exposure to violence
• Developmental frustrations
• Major life changes
• Attention that is conditional on child’s behavior
• Lack of stimulation
• Not sensitively responding to needs
•  Lack of physical closeness and contact

The stresses above create fear in children that may lead to aggression. It’s important to note that every child responds to stress differently. While one child may lash out from stress and fear another may become “shy” and withdrawn. Because a child is “shy” or withdrawn does not mean that the child doesn’t have emotional issues. But in our society “shy” is considered more acceptable and anger isn’t so it’s dealt with differently.

Many stresses are unavoidable such as developmental milestones or overstimulation in the environment. If you have construction going on next door and it is intense and disturbing for your child, well you don’t have much choice in the matter do you? Therefore it is impossible to have a child that is always going to be stress free. But many stresses can be prevented, and these stresses are not always obvious to us adults because we are used to them.

We don’t realize there are many things we do that cause stress for our children. For example playing an adult T.V. program with our child in the room. Saying “no” loudly. Talking with another adult about stressful events in front of the child. The problem is that we don’t see these things as stressful because we are so used to them. Here are some other examples of things we may not consider stressful but in fact may be very stressful for our young ones:

• Forcefully making our child get dressed
• Getting our child eat more dinner when they are full
• Telling our child that we don’t like it when they are sad or mad
• Saying “no” loudly
• Leaving our child to cry in a room by themselves
• Time outs
• Telling our child that they should be happy when they don’t feel happy
• Hard to understand T.V. and movie programs
• Rushing from one lesson or activity to the next, a fast paced lifestyle that does not suit our child
•  Video games, movies, action packed everything!

Important Point:

Stressors that seem normal to us are in fact may be very stressful for our children.

Children deal with stress in different ways, some become extroverted about it with aggression and others internalize it by becoming withdrawn.

Stay tuned for part 2 when I discuss how to stop aggression at the roots…

Warmly,

Ashley Ryan

P.S. For more information on aggression in children see audio on aggression here.