This article is by Patty Wipfler of Hand in Hand http://www.HandinHandParenting.org, this site is a must visit!“

I Want It Now!”—Children’s Wants and Needs

It’s a big part of parenting

A big part of our experience as parents has to do with developing ways to address the deeply felt wants and needs of our children. We deal with wants and needs from our babies’ earliest moments through their entry into young adulthood. We have to figure out what our children’s real needs are, and what to do when they want things they don’t need, or can’t have. And we have to deal with our own feelings of sadness, frustration, or anger about how much they need and want. We are dedicated to making life as good as possible for them, but sooner or later we find it hard to be generous when our own needs for rest, reassurance, and resource aren’t well met.

Whole books are written about the developmental needs of young children, so this little article won’t try to point out the difference between needs and wants at a particular age or stage. Suffice it to say here that children need lots of undivided, warm attention from their parents and others around them. They need to be treated with respect. They need play, lots of room to experiment, and lots of positive response to who they are and what interesting experiments they do. They need information about what’s going on around them, from the very beginning: their minds work beautifully, and from birth they fully understand the emotional import of every interaction with us. They also understand far more language than we realize. Even when we meet their needs well, there are moments every single day when our children long for attention or for things we can’t give them the moment they feel the need. When Mommy and Daddy can handle these moments of intense longing gently and with understanding, it makes a huge difference in a child’s life. Read more »

This is part 2 of A Rejected Child and the Volcano by Naomi Aldort. To read part 1 of A Rejected Child and the Volcano Click Here.

When a child asks you to mediate

There are times when talking to the other children is useful, as when a child asks for it directly. Even then, it is important not to fix anyone or mend the situation, so the child can choose reality and learn from it. A group of children were playing on the grass at a lunch break of one of my workshops. One boy came to his mother to say that he was not included in the game. The mother asked for my guidance and I said that there was nothing to do other then respond to his initiative as she would in any other setting. “So, are you going to play inside now?” she asked her son, trying to guess his plans. “No,” the boy said, “I want you to come with me and talk to the kids.”

They went over and the mother acknowledged the difficulty without judging anyone nor asking for anything. She then listened fully to each child’s point of view. It turned out that her son didn’t know the game and was breaking the rules. The children said he could watch and learn but he decided to join his parents on the porch.
This mother did not initiate talking to the other children, nor did she solve, preach, teach or give a sermon about kindness and inclusion. She followed her child’s request. The child took action on his own behalf by asking for his mother’s mediation and since she didn’t see a problem, neither did he. He made his choice freely and without doubting his worth or feeling victimized.
Read more »

A Rejected Child and the Volcano
By: Naomi Aldort Ph.D. (www.AuthenticParent.com)

When the volcanic mountain in our state, Mount St. Helens, started to rumble, one of my children asked, “Do people who live close by get mad when the volcano erupts?” “Do you get mad at the rain?” I asked. While he was pondering my question, his older brother said, “Being mad at the rain or a mountain erupting is as insane as being mad at another person.” I gasped with delight; indeed, by presenting itself totally unchangeable, the volcano teaches us to love reality. When it erupts, we don’t try to stop it, change its mind or judge it; we simply remove ourselves from the area and we get excited about the drama of nature from a safe distance. We live at peace with nature because we have realized that it doesn’t change for us. Yet, we expect humans to change for us. Such expectation often leaves us frustrated and powerless. Read more »

This is taken from “Ask Naomi” with parenting expert Naomi Aldort Ph.D. To see Part 1 of A Good Night Sleep for Baby and You Click Here.

Q: My husband doesn’t want me to let my 8-month-old baby “cry it out” during the night. He complains that he can’t sleep when she is crying, so he wants me to hold her throughout the night so that he can be well rested for work. She isn’t learning how to sleep on her own though, and I am getting more and more sleep deprived every night.

The way of Nature

Baby care seems much easier in natural societies because parents simply believe that it is best to respond to the baby’s cues. When they do, everything is very simple, peaceful and calm and the baby does not need to cry. These parents have none of the common difficulties we encounter and the children are well behaved and peaceful, as they don’t experience struggle or stress. Read more »

Good Night Sleep for Your Baby and You
This is taken from “Ask Naomi” with parenting expert Naomi Aldort Ph.D.

Q: My husband doesn’t want me to let my 8-month-old baby “cry it out” during the night. He complains that he can’t sleep when she is crying, so he wants me to hold her throughout the night so that he can be well rested for work. She isn’t learning how to sleep on her own though, and I am getting more and more sleep deprived every night.

A: I understand your frustration; you must be tired and feeling at a loss. I want to offer a solution that comes from meeting the baby’s need first and will end up solving your husband’s issue and giving you a better night sleep as well. Read more »

This is taken from “Ask Naomi” with parenting expert Naomi Aldort Ph.D. To see Part 1 of Why Toddlers Bite Click Here.

Preventing Biting
A toddler who feels connected, loved, autonomous and at peace is not likely to bite. She has no need for it. Therefore the first path of prevention is respecting your toddler’s autonomous inner guidance, avoiding undue expectations and restrictions and staying close and connected. This may include avoiding peer play, which is often much too difficult for young children. Notice how much happier your baby is with an older child or with you. Read more »

This is taken from “Ask Naomi” with parenting expert Naomi Aldort Ph.D.

Q: My baby is one year old and started biting me to get my attention or when not getting her way. How can I stop her?

A: Biting in the early years is not different from other aggression. Some biting can be benign and transient. A frustrated toddler does not have a rich language and is likely to use her body to express herself. If you respond quickly to the first try quickly, clearly and kindly, there won’t be a second time. If your daughter is repeating the biting, two things are happening: Your responses are not clear TO HER. And, the reason for her drive to bite has not been addressed. Read more »

Doing some Q and A on other sites, I thought I would share my questions and answers with you….
How do I get my child to behave?Great question!

As parents we want our children to be well behaved and co-operative. This only makes sense, as when our children misbehave its exhausting and reflects badly on us as parents.

In my experience the healthiest co-operation comes from willingness and desire on the part of your child.  This maybe sound farfetched but it IS possible.

I don’t know how old your child is but depending on their age, most children don’t co-operate because they lack information.  For example, a one year old that pours milk on the floor shouldn’t be expected to know that it makes a mess and is undesirable for mom.  Or a three year old that wants to sing, but doesn’t know that it’s not ok to sing in restaurants.  Most children don’t misbehave on purpose.   They have a strong desire to please their parents.  So before jumping to conclusions explain how you feel to them about what they’re doing, most likely they will stop doing it.

But back to your question:  How do I get my child to behave?

Well (you’re not going to like this) but you don’t get them to behave.  And if you force your child to behave she will start thinking that forcing someone to do something is acceptable. And won’t develop the self esteem she needs to make good decisions and say “no” when she is older.

Research shows time and time again that forcing young children to do things rarely works. And leads to bigger consequences later in life.

The best thing you can do is treat her with total respect and kindness and she will most likely start to cooperate with you more.  For example, my son is 4 and he cooperates with me most of the time.  Not all of the time, but most.  If I forced him to cooperate I would have to use punishment or be forceful, and I don’t want to do that because that would injure his self esteem.  So, how I get him to cooperate is by being respectful and kind to him, and it works.  I’ve seen it work in hundreds of other children and families as well (I work with families, so I see lots of these situations).
Another thing is expectation.  We have all sorts of expectations about our children.  And it’s important to look at that as well.  Expecting a young child to sit still in a restaurant or sit through a concert is unreasonable.  So, take a look at what you expect from her…..I could talk about this all day but the bottom line is empower your children with encouragement but never force her to do something. Children learn best by example and not force.

Wouldn’t you rather have her voluntarily clean up, than do it by force?

My son often cleans up, I have treated him with respect since birth, and he is the
most cooperative toddler I know. And this is because I have lead by example and not force.

If your child is a toddler, sometimes she will do what you want and behave and sometimes she won’t, but that is healthy self-esteem. Children that
do everything you want all the time often have low self esteem and approval issues.

When she gets a bit older she will be much more cooperative if you demonstrate respect first hand.

All good wishes,
If you have any further questions don’t hesitate to contact me!

Last year, I had the pleasure of interviewing Dr. Peter Haiman.  Aside from being and authentic and good hearted individual, he is also a wealth of parenting knowledge.  You can visit his website at PeterHaiman.com for more info.

I will be posting the audio interview here soon.

Read more »

This is part 2 of a 2 part series from an interview I did with parenting expert Naomi Aldort (see part one here when setting limits is appropriate and when its not, interview Naomi Aldort, Part 1)

You can download the interview transcript for free by clicking here Attachment Parenting Interview With Naomi . You can also download the audio interview here Audio Interview With Naomi.  If you would like information on Naomi’s book you can visit here:  Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves,  You can also visit Naomi’s website at  www.naomialdort.com.

When setting limits is appropriate and when its not….

Like going to relatives, people ask me a lot about that and I say, “Well, tell them before you get to grandma.” At home, I let my kids jump on couches - I don’t see any harm in that. But then grandma doesn’t want them to jump on the couch and she has a fancy couch and living room and doesn’t want them jumping on the furniture. I tell them before we go there, “At grandmas, she doesn’t want you to jump on the couch. I’ll help you remember or grandma will help you remember.”

When you help them remember, it’s not by scolding, it’s by picking them up and saying, “Remember we’re at grandma’s house, but when we get home you can jump on the couch as much as you want.” Or bring the rebounder with you and say, “You know, I brought the rebounder; I know how much you love to jump and grandma won’t let you jump on the couch, so here’s something you can jump on.” Or ask grandma if there’s some furniture that you can bring or that she can have, or old furniture that he can jump on. There’s lots of ways that you can respond in a kind way and there’s never a need to be the police, setting limits. I never even used these words, but I support the child in the face of limits. Not setting limits doesn’t mean being permissive, it doesn’t mean the kid can do whatever they want, it does not mean he should climb on the counter and there’s nothing you can do about it. It doesn’t mean that at all, in fact, one of the things that I teach parents. 

Many parents come to me for counseling, when they’ve already developed a pattern with the child that’s rooted in permissiveness. They think the child should get whatever they want, so they just don’t know to say no, or they try to say it with words, “Oh please get off the counter”, “Mommy said don’t do this” and the child laughs and keeps doing what they’re doing and they get used to it but the word doesn’t mean anything. So young children really understand things mostly by physical body experience, so if you don’t want a child to go on the counter, you don’t need to set limits by punishment or scolding or saying anything to him. When you let him know how life works, he wants to cooperate. You take him physically off the counter. You make the counter not accessible, if there’s something next to it that he can climb on, or if the structure is climbable. Cover that area, cut that wood off or whatever makes it climbable. Take the child off the place like you would when they run into the street; everybody knows how to act when the child runs into the street or into the water. Nobody hesitates to react very clearly and very physically. I react physically when a child puts something in their mouth that is too small and dangerous and could get stuck in the throat, same thing; every parent knows what to do.

It doesn’t have to be done with anger, you just rush there and grab the thing out of their hand. The child may cry; they wanted that stone - wonderful. “I know you wanted that, but I love you and that’s dangerous.” No big story. Be physical with letting the child know how your little universe at home and in social situation works. They want your guidance; you take them off the counter, but you don’t have to be angry. They climbed on it innocently; you just take them off the counter and say, “Let’s go climb somewhere else; you love climbing.” Find a solution, find a place to climb so he knows you’re on his side and know the counter in the kitchen is not the place to climb. He may do it a couple more times, but each time a physical, clear response that’s loving, kind and clear-removing the child, not talking to them , lecturing them, “please”, and all that, but physically moving them-creates the learning of how this universe works.