Parent Series: Top 10 things you can do for yourself to be a better parent. #7 Heal The Past

This is part 7 of a 10 part parenting series, you can read the previous post Parent Series: Top 10 things you can do for yourself to be a better parent. #6 Have Passion! by clicking here.

#7 Heal The Past. 

I have to say, this is the biggest and most difficult thing preventing me from being as close as I can be with my son.  Sometimes I feel shrouded and taken over by the past.  And in those moments, I’m not in the present, and I’m definatley not the best parent I can be. 

I see this all the time with other parents, at the playground, at the grocery store, the mall.  Parents reacting, living from the past.  Getting triggered by their children and reliving out their own past, like a broken record. 

Research shows that we do what was done to us, whether we like it or not.  The only exception to this is consciously choosing differently.   Even if we WANT to make different choices, its extremely difficult to execute, and  requires constant diligence, discipline and focus.  

I could talk all day about this, but there’s a great article with Peter Haiman that discusses this in detail, click here to see "What Every Parent Needs to Know".

And I write extensively on this in other blog posts.

When we let go of the past, and heal the trauma of our own childhoods we are more free to live in the NOW.

Here are some great things that you can do which will help heal your past:

• Study yoga or meditation - This will quiet the mind, heal the body and allow things to move through you more quickly and easily. To find a yoga class in your area click here.
• Use Holosync - Holosync is a great program by Bill Harris that puts the mind into a meditative state through various sounds and music.  It has an overall calming and healing effect. Click here to find out more about Holosync.
• Find someone to talk to, like a phsychotherapist or councelor.   A very powerful style of pshchotherapy that I recomend is Core Energetics, click here to find a core-energetics therapist in your area.
• If Core Energetics isn’t available in your area, an alternate therapy is Bio-Energetics.
• If you would like to explore your own past and childhood alone or with your partner or spouse IMAGO therapy is the most effective way to do this.
• Landmark education is also something I encourage everyone to do.  Landmark supports people in living powerfully and a life they love.
• Peak Potentials offers some great courses, that provide avenues of healing.  One of my favorite programs!
• If you check the resource section, there is a book list, these can get you started.

The practices, courses, workshops and ideas above are the most powerful tools I’ve found, in learning to transform myself and lead a happier and more fulfilling life. 

If not for you, do it for your children.

What Every Parent Needs To Know - By Parenting Authority Peter Haiman Ph.D - Part 1

Last year, I had the absolute pleasure of interviewing Dr. Peter Haiman.  Aside from being and authentic and good hearted individual, he was also a wealth of knowledge where children are concerned.  You can see his website by clicking here. 

I will be posting the audio interview here soon.

What Every Parent Needs To Know is an edited version of the transcript from the interview. 

By Peter E. Haiman, Ph.D.
(As interviewed by Ashley Anne Ryan)

Part 1 of 3

Every parent wants to know how to raise an emotionally healthy child.  When it comes to giving advice to parents, three areas stand out as important: how each parent relates to parenting, how children develop psychosocially, and the process that I call diagnostic child rearing. 

First, each of us as adults must look at ourselves and learn about our relationship to parenting. By that, I mean we need to look at our own upbringing, at how we were raised by our parents, and see how this influences our parenting style now. We need to discover and become aware of the mistakes made by our parents, as well as the mistakes made by the society that influenced our parents. After all, our parents didn’t just make up their parenting practices. For the most part, they followed the social norms of the day. In light of what we now know about child development and child rearing, we can see that many of today’s parents encountered some rather big mistakes while growing up.

One of those mistakes has to do with how a child’s needs are met. In recent decades, research in childrearing has made it clear that the normal, developmentally appropriate needs that all young children and adolescents have should be met. It is the responsibility of parents to make sure a child’s needs are met appropriately and consistently. Those needs can be volcanic in intensity when they are felt by a child or adolescent. And when a youth’s needs are repeatedly frustrated, the results can be explosive.

What kind of needs am I talking about? One prime example is the need to make our own choices, even at a very young age. Learning to become more independent is critically important for all young children. So it is valuable for parents to recall if and how this happened when they were growing up. When you were between the ages of, say, two and six (or, for that matter, when you were a teen), did your parents let you make any choices or did they direct your life and tell you what to do in every situation? What you experienced at that time can determine how you will react as a parent when your children seek to become autonomous.

When a child expresses the need to become who he or she is, to start making choices about what he or she wants, parents can react from a very deep emotional level. They can feel furious, sometime for no apparent reason. But what is happening is that they see their young child acting in ways they themselves were not allowed to act on a regular basis when they were little. Suppose a four-year-old chooses to wear her sneakers to preschool every day. The mother knows there is nothing wrong with this, yet it makes her angry.  Why?

When this mother was little, she wanted to wear sneakers to school, but her own mother made her wear a pair of ugly brown leather shoes instead. At that time, her mother said it was because leather shoes were “better for her feet,” even though all the other kids wore sneakers to school. Now this mother knows her child’s behavior is normal, yet she cannot accept it because of mistakes that were made a generation earlier by her own mother.

This kind of situation can cause a great deal of anger. To complicate matters, we learn to hide our anger. If it remains hidden for years, it can fester within us and lead to chronic depression. On the other hand, anger that has been within us for decades can suddenly rise to the surface when our child begins to express his or her appropriate, normal developmental needs—the same needs we had to hide so we wouldn’t get punished by our parents. Our long-hidden anger against our parents finally bursts forth against our child.

In this situation, the results of our upbringing can do very real damage to a child. Because the subconscious of the parent is saying something like this to the child:

“Listen, kid, I wasn’t allowed to do anything I wanted to do, I couldn’t choose the shoes I wanted to wear. I had to do what my mum and dad said, when and how they said it. And I’m still furious about it. Now you’re four years old and you think you can become a little bit autonomous and wear those sneakers because you like them. But I’m going to punish the hell out of you because that’s not fair!”

The parent may have read a few books or articles and knows what the research says about letting children make choices. But in that moment, deep emotions win over cognitive knowledge about child-rearing practices. The anger that has been kept locked up for two or three decades bursts forth. The most important thing a parent can learn, therefore, is that good parenting begins with the parent.

If you would like more information on the works of Dr.Haiman please visit his website: www.peterhaiman.com

Parent Series: Top 5 Best Age Appropriate T.V. Shows for Your Toddler, #4 Barney And Friends

This is part 4 of a 5 part series, to see the previous post Parent Series: Top 5 Best Age Appropriate T.V. Shows for Your Toddler, #3 Sesame Street click here.

(These shows are not listed in a particular order).

#4 Barney And Friends

Barney is a controversial figure in children’s television.  Either parents love him, or don’t.  Some parents find his upbeat and positive attitude irritating.   I, personally, am a huge fan of Barney.  I see his happiness and joy as something the world could use more of.   Barney is positive, kind, generous and never says a mean thing. 

If more people were like Barney, the world would be a better place, and everyone would be much more kind and loving to one another. 
Parent’s main concern over Barney’s positivity, is that by watching Barney their child will somehow be put in an unrealistic positive bubble.  Don’t worry parents, have no fear, as that’s not likely to happen.  One hour a day or a week of Barney is not enough to influence your child into a comatose positive state. 

Research shows that children need positive re-enforcement early on, as later, when they venture out into the world it helps them meet any challenge that comes up.  Introducing little ones to stresses of life and cynicism early on only promotes low self esteem and fear.

Interesting Barney Trivia:

Did you know that Barneys full name is Barney T. DINOSAUR.
Did you know that Barney’s favorite bread is pumpernickel.
Did you know that Barney and friends has been on the air since 1992.
Studies conducted at Yale show that Barney and Friends is very educational for pre-schoolers.

Please Check out Wikipedia for more interesting facts about Barney and Friends on Wikipedia.

Parent Series: Top 5 Best Age Appropriate T.V. Shows for Your Toddler, #3 Sesame Street

This is part 3 of a 5 part series, to see the previous post Parent Series: Top 5 Best Age Appropriate T.V. Shows for Your Toddler, #2 Go Diego Go! click here.

(These shows are not listed in a particular order.)

#3 Sesame Street 

Hi Parents!

I mean, who doesn’t love Sesame Street!?!

Sesame Street has always been one of my personal favs and a favorite of many parents. As controversial as it was at one time, Sesame Street oozes creativity, joy and an authentic zest for life that is yet to be matched on T.V.   I love that Sesame Street always comes up with fun, creative and interesting ways for children to learn.

What your child may learn from Sesame Street:

• Letter and word recognition, basic arithmetic, shapes, classification, problem solving
• Numbers and the alphabet
• Social skills
• Multi-culturalism
• Basic life skills, crossing the street safely, proper hygiene and healthy eating habits
• Your child may gain a sense of humor as Sesame Street focuses on subtle humor

Interesting Sesame Street Trivia:

Did you know that Sesame Street is one of the longest running shows in U.S. history.

Please Check out Wikipedia for more interesting facts about Sesame Street.
 
 
 

Parent Series: Top 5 Best Age Appropriate T.V. Shows for Your Toddler, #2 Go Diego Go!

This is part 2 of a 5 part series, to see the previous post  Parent Series: Top 5 Best Age Appropriate T.V. Shows for Your Toddler, #1 Dora the Explorer click here.

(These shows are not listed in a particular order).

#2 Go Diego Go!

Since Dora and Diego go hand in hand, the reasons I like both are the same, please see the previous Dora post to find out about what your child can learn from this program.

Here’s an excerpt from their website that puts an added twist on the traditional Dora in the form of Go Diego Go!:

Scientific Approach To The Natural WorldKids have a natural curiosity about the world and how animals grow, move, eat, breathe, and live within it. That’s why Go, Diego, Go! turns them into Animal Scientists. On each adventure, preschoolers learn specific, scientifically accurate facts about the animals that they discover, such as the species’ appearance, sound, diet, habitat, categorization (as a mammal, bird, reptile, etc.), and similarities and differences to other living things. Diego and preschools help their animal friends by using scientific skills such as observation, listening, research, investigation, and application of new found knowledge. They also use scientific tools like computers, field journals, and telescopic cameras to compile and review information, to identify and call to animals, or to investigate animal tracks and attributes. Moreover, Diego models a love of nature, a repect for animals and the environment, and a responsibility to be a caring citizen of the planet.

Interesting Go Diego Go Trivia:

Did you know that Go Diego Go features a bilingual, eight-year-old boy named Diego Márquez who helps animals in danger often in the rainforest.

Did you know that when Carnivores are featured on the show their diets are not mentioned, but when herbivores are on the show their diets are mentioned.

For more interesting info on Diego click here.

Parent Series: Top 5 Best Age Appropriate T.V. Shows for Your Toddler, #1 Dora the Explorer

This is part 1 of a 5 part series, to see the previous post Top 5 Best Age Appropriate T.V. Shows for Your Toddler, Your little ones don’t wanna miss these…click here. (The shows are not listed in a particular order).

#1 Dora The Explorer

What I like about Dora is she’s positive and uplifting, reinforcing and self esteem building.   There’s not a lot of drama besides Swiper swiping the occasional goody.  Another positive is that the graphics are presented at a slower pace.  Not so much crazy overstimulation happening.  Swiper is the only thing I have mixed feelings about, as he steals.  But it seems to be in good fun…

What your child may learn from Dora the Explorer:

• Spanish Vocabulary
• Positive attitude towards life
• Perseverance and empathy
• Acceptance and tolerance of different races and ethnicities
• Math and music skills as well as physical coordination
• How to observe situations and solve problems

This is what’s said about Dora on her stations website (an excerpt from an interview with the show’s creators):

What will Dora the Explorer teach my child?
Dora the Explorer teaches children basic Spanish words and phrases along with math and music skills and physical coordination. Children also learn with Dora how to observe situations and solve problems.

How does Dora the Explorer teach Spanish?
In each episode of Dora the Explorer, Dora solves a problem based on specific words and phrases in conversational Spanish, which preschoolers learn as they solve the problem with her. These words and phrases include a variety of basic nouns, adjectives, and commands, such as "azul" for "blue", and "cuidado", which means "watch out".

 
Q. What makes Dora the Explorer different from other children’s programs?
A. Val: One of the things I love most about the show, and something that makes it unique, is that viewers are asked to be active participants — not only by answering questions, but by getting off the couch and moving their bodies. Parents tell us they know when Dora is on because they’ll see and hear their kids playing along with the show: counting, speaking Spanish, jumping, rowing, clapping, etc.

Q. Can you talk about the interactivity of the show?
A. Chris: It’s probably the most important aspect of the show and the thing that kids enjoy most. Parents can always tell when their kids are watching Dora by hearing the kids talking back to the screen. We are also extremely proud of how successful we have been in getting kids off the sofa, up, and moving.

Q. How do you make sure the shows are appropriate for the audience?
A. Eric: I used to write for preschool shows (such as Gullah Gullah Island) before I had preschoolers of my own. Now I have a 6-year-old son, a 4-year-old daughter, and 4-month-old son, and along with being an incredible experience, being a parent has been helpful as I try to write stories that are appropriate for our audience. It’s like having my very own focus group. I tell my kids the stories we’re working on as bedtime stories to see how they react (though I’ve discovered that Dora stories, being interactive, work better on car trips than when I want my kids to calm down and get sleepy). I try out story ideas on them to see if they’re hooked by the premise. In fact, I’ve asked my eldest son for help in my writing so many times that now he often says, "Not right now, I’m on a break."
At the same time, every Dora episode is tested (and re-tested) by our Research Department with large numbers of preschoolers and we learn an incredible amount every time. And sometimes I discover that a story my kids assured me would be thrilling or hysterically funny only works when Daddy is telling it to his own children.

Q. How is Dora a role model?
A. Val: Dora is a problem solver who doesn’t give up when faced with obstacles. She’s a caring friend always ready to stop and help someone in need; and she’s an adventurer whose curiosity and spirit lead her to explore the world. Dora’s a role model not only for children, but for adults, too!

Q. Why is Spanish used in the show?
A. Val: Educators believe that introducing a second language to a child before the age of 6 or 7 is an important factor in his/her ability to achieve fluency. For many of our preschool viewers, Dora is their first encounter with a foreign language. As such, the show might teach them a little Spanish and make them curious and interested in learning more, or simply make them aware of and comfortable with foreign languages. For our Spanish-speaking preschool viewers, seeing Dora use Spanish might encourage them to take pride in being bilingual.

Dora episodes always follow a similar theme:

Dora needs to do something or go somewhere.
Dora has three or four places to go, with a final destination.
Dora and Boots meet Swiper along the way and sometime succeed to stop swiper from swiping by saying ‘Swiper no Swiping’ three times. 
Though sometimes Swiper successfully swipes Dora’s items and hides them.
Dora and Boots always find the hidden item.
Dora will meet one of her friends at each of the locations on the Map.
Dora will ask the viewers to help her by giving advice (jump, run etc.), locating items and often shouting commands to the characters in Spanish.
Every character that appears on the episode then sings ‘We did it’ at the end except for Swiper.
Dora asks viewers what their favorite part was. She (and usually Boots) then proceeds to tell the viewer which part of the adventure she most enjoyed.

Interesting Dora the Explorer Trivia:

Did you know that Dora and Boots are best friends because she saved his beloved red boots from being swiped by Swiper.
Did you know that Dora’s main musical skill lies in the wooden flute.
Did you know that given the right reason Swiper (the sneaky fox) will always return things he swiped as a good gesture.
Did you know that Swiper has a New York accent.
Did you know that Swiper doesn’t speak Spanish but wished he did.
Isa the iguana has a crush on boots and knew him long before she met Dora.

Top 5 Best Age Appropriate T.V. Shows for Your Toddler, Your little ones don’t wanna miss these…

… And best of all they’re GUILT FREE!!!

After spending many hours searching for age appropriate T.V. shows, I’ve narrowed it down to five excellent shows.  These shows not only entertain but NURTURE and promote positive, healthy development in your toddler.

Though I have to confess, my rating system is picky and most shows don’t make it through my screening. But, I’d rather err on the side of caution than expose my toddler to concepts that are inappropriate.

Lucky for your child the shows listed below focus on the positive and have little manipulation and negative talk.  They PROMOTE self esteem instead of decreasing it.  So every time you plop your little one in front of the tube you can feel GUILT free, and know that your child is learning something valuable.

This is part one of a 5 part series, to see part two, Parent Series: Top 5 Best Age Appropriate T.V. Shows for Your Toddler, #1 Dora the Explorer, click here.

Parent Series: Top 10 things you can do for yourself to be a better parent. #6 Have Passion!

This is part 6 of a 10 part parenting series, you can read the previous post : Parent Series: Top 10 things you can do for yourself to be a better parent. #5 Spend Time Alone

Everyone needs to have passion for something! Whether its a hobby or career, there needs to be some degree of passion in your life.  Many, many people go through life with zero passion, and it shows.  But you don’t have to be one of those people.  The art of finding ones passion isn’t always easy, but its a numbers game.  So try a few different things and you will know when you hit on something you love.  When you do find something you love keep doing it!!!

Having a passion and joy for something will automatically transfer to your home and to your family.  It will seep into every cranny and nook of your life, making things more magical and beautiful than ever before!

I know as a mom its often difficult to find the time to do the things you love.  But this one is a must for anyone that wants to live a fulfilled life.  And parents beware: don’t feel guilty if your children and family aren’t your sole passion.  They don’t have to be, moms and dads can have many, many passions. 

What’s yours?

If you need help finding your passion, I would recommend reading The Passion Test or visiting Inspiration Point, finding your passion and doing any of the programs available there. 

Good luck!

Ashley

Parent Series: Top 10 things you can do for yourself to be a better parent. #5 Spend time alone

This is part 5 of a 10 part parenting series, you can read the previous post : Parent Series: Top 10 things you can do for yourself to be a better parent. #4 Talk to a friend

At least once a week you need to have a day or night where you can spend a few uninterupped hours by yourself.  To read, take a bath, whatever.  As a parent, you need and deserve this time.  So ask your partner, family member or hire a babysitter.  To locate a babysitter in your area online try one of these: Kijiji, Craigslilst, Care babysitting finder.  Or just Google "babysitting and nanny service."

After spending these few hours by yourself you will feel refreshed and restored, and better able to be a GREAT parent.  Don’t take my word for it, try it for yourself.